Depression, Reflection


Hi all, last week I heard about a good friend that died in the Netherlands. The news got to me, I became quite emotional about it and couldn't really think about anything else. Last saturday it got to me, I should be at his funeral that was taking place on tuesday. Honza was up for it, so off we went, 1200 KM back to where I came from, my hometown Breda in the Netherlands. Breda is a city with a lot of history, it is the place where the dutch royal family had their first settlement, therefore the city has lots of culture, an old church, castle and so on. After we arrived we went sightseeing of which you see a result in the picture above.

We arrived saturday night at one of my friends where we could stay untill the funeral took place. Meeting him again was a lot of fun, but quite confronting at the same time. As I stated in one of my earlier writings, I am trying to refrain from using drugs, but being in the Netherlands and with my contacts I had a relapse which now makes me a bit sad. It has been made clear to me once again that just good will is not enough to achieve my goals, but that I have to make sacrafices to reach them. My entire life has been a piece of cake, and being able to have Honza on my side while I lose track of everything I stand for was making that very clear to me. Why do I deserve all this, if I do not really live up to my own rules and simply waste my life away on drugs? Drugs that might give me the temorary illusion of freedom, but on the long run steal my energy and make me inferior to what I can be.  

1200KM don't pass by like that, so Honza and me had a lot of time to talk and think about the journey ahead of us. I started to think about all the nice moment I had with Pieter, who was the founding father of the band that I spend many hours of my life with. Not just that, but he volunteered at everything he was part of. Always with a smile and an ear to listen to everybody that needed a little extra attention. He wouldn't judge, just listen and give his honoust opinion about it, "Live & Let Live" could aswell be his lifemotto. Besides that, he never lost track about what his actual job was and made sure that things where handeled in the right way, as people expected from him, because voluntary does not mean without obligation. Pieter, I had a drink for you in your favorite cafe, cafe de Beyerd, and it tasted more then good. Honza had a locally brewed beer and from the look in his eyes I could tell it tasted great. I will remember you for as long as I live and I'm greatfull to all the things you have thought me, and all others around you. On my way back I was thinking about Yoshi Livo, or Your Children Live On, and how I felt like everybody who attended the funeral was somehow your child, because that's howmuch love and care you gave us. Please know you will live on in all of us, or let me talk just for myself, in me.

Fortunately there where also good moments. No matter how bad I can write about my family, it is always nice to meet up with them. Especially my grandmother was happy to see me. She is also one of the few persons I can tell everything to and she understands my motivation behind it and supports me. I even explained her e-Gulden EFL and she gets what it is all about, creating a parralel economy where people can safely store unused money for a time they might need it in the future, without the risk of any central party intervening in your financial freedom.  Before we drove those 1200KM back to Kamnik, Slovenia I invited everybody for a lovely dinner at the restaurant where I used to work during my economic study.

After this experience I'm more then ever in doubt with myself, if what I am doing can actually be done by me. What stops me from just giving up and return to my old life, is that knowledge can not be made undone. I know that my former way of life is unsustainable and that the Dutch standard of living will change during my lifetime. That cryptomoney is going to change that way of living forever, no matter if the Netherlands is ready for it or not. I met a lot of old friends at the funeral and although I have started to talk about Bitcoin to them when it was just 50 euro's, they are still not convinced about the advantages cryptomoney gives them over fiat currencies. As long as the majority of people there do not accept my points of view as reality, or are not convinced by my actions so far, there is no use in going back. I am better of in Liberland, because when I talk about my believes there, I do not have to explain myself twice, but I get intriguing questions that trigger me to think about everything more and develop me and my thoughts further, instead of halting it and maybe even reducing it back to a captured being like in the Netherlands.

Just before I left to the Netherlands on saturday, I was invited by a flat earth theorist. A guy with a strong believe that the earth is flat. I won't bother you with my take on the matter, but after a lengthy conversation of allmost 3 hours about cryptomoney and Liberland we said goodbye, only for me to find out that he continued his livestream to talk bad about me and stab me in the back by putting words and motivations in my mouth that in the 3 hour conversation ahead where explained by me in a completely different matter. I want to prove myself to all those Dutch people that lack the creativity to see what I already see for many years. A new way of living where you are more then just another number. Where respect is the currency we all use, instead of some fake number that determins the value of a piece of printed paper and allows you to behave in some selfish way if you have enough of it. As long as this understanding is not present in the Netherlands I will keep on chasing my dream, no matter how often it will be rejected or howmany times I will be wrongfully acused by explaining my words in another way that i ment them. I will try and forgive as much as needed and keep on reveiling all my actions to the world, untill my hunted dream will make it into the hearts of people and becomes reality. 

On my way back, I was touching my broken nose and still today I feel how fragile I am. Just a little bit of diversion and I'm completely lost, but I'm very glad I went to this funeral and got this experience. It allowed me to really close my lifestyle and time in the Netherlands and has motivated me even more then before to achieve my goals in living a happy and sustainable life. Lets just hope I learned enough from my past to make this dream into a reality.